Bump into someone inadvertently, and most of us will say a short “sorry.” Bump into someone accidentally and crash her Starbuck’s
latte onto the floor—most of us will say, “OMG! I’m so very sorry. Let me buy you a new one.” Bump into someone on purpose because you want
to capture his attention, then to say “I’m sorry” is coy. Bump into someone to hurt her, “I’m sorry”
is, at best, sarcastic. Context, of
course, determines the appropriateness of the expression. There are clear
instances when making amends to some through an apology using the word “sorry” is
important not only to the relationship but to the mental and spiritual health
of the one making the amends.
The word “sorry” derives from language roots implying ‘sore’ and ‘distressed.’ The word has various meanings: (1) to feel
compassion for or pain for someone else’s misfortune—as in “so sorry for your
loss”; (2) to feel regret, as in “I’m sorry I hurt you”; and (3) to be in poor
or pitiable condition, as in “That’s a sorry state of affairs.” Frequent
expressions of the word “sorry” include ‘feeling sorry for yourself’; ‘sorry to
say’; and the more contemporary ‘sorry not sorry.’
But the expression “I’m sorry” has too often become an unfortunate habit—close
to an addiction—especially for women, especially in school. A compulsive apologizer prefaces and exits most
discussions with “I’m sorry.” One
student clocked no fewer than 18 uses of “I’m sorry” in an interchange that
showed her to be incisive and insightful.
She had every reason to be assertive, but disowned it with her constant “I’m
sorry.” She was, in essence, regretting her own brilliance.
We create our reality by what we say about ourselves. To say “I’m sorry” when entering a discussion
is to imply such things as “I don’t have a right to speak up,” “Please excuse
me for intruding where I don’t belong,” “I don’t deserve attention,” “I’m not
worthy,” “I’m not worth it,” “My voice doesn’t belong.” To habitually say “I’m sorry” for all but
momentary infractions and important amends, is to constantly erode confidence,
promote self-shrinking, and, inevitably, real reason for self-pity as others
will be trained to trivialize and dismiss the sorry person. “Sorry” also
implies shame and diminishment.
Additionally, to say “I’m sorry,” a contraction, metaphorically of the
self, and syntactically for “I am sorry”—is to imply, according to two of the definitions
above, “I am the cause
of your misfortune” and “I am pitiful.”
That women (culturally supposed to be the authors and menders of
relationships) tend to say “I’m sorry” more often than men, is to promote
unfortunate gender stereotypes. "I'm sorry" also is a tacit request for permission or forgiveness. It is giving our power over to someone else, waiting for them to decide how to proceed.
So, first
and foremost, let’s notice the use of the expression—our own and others. It’s instructive to actually count them.
Next, be clear as to whether it’s either a momentary or significant use,
contextually. If using it to apologize
for asserting our place in a conversation—STOP!
Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but…” let’s use such expressions as “I
agree,” “I disagree,” “There are alternate ways to see this.” If others are monopolizing the airways and
not letting you enter the conversation, don’t be the one to apologize for their
rudeness. Let’s get in there by saying, “I
have something add,” “Others need a chance to express their views.” (In another
blog, we will address how to identify and disrupt people who practice dominance
in conversations and how to take our rightful place in the discourse.)
Ultimately, let's tell ourselves: Don't apologize! Energize!
Works Cited:
I have a teacher friend who habitually apologizes for everything. If someone on their own bumps into a chair she will say “ I’m Sorry”. She apologizes for things beyond her control and just cannot break the habit. Her empathetic personality just will not let that phrase go. In class she uses a prayer cube for ways to talk to God. Sides say things like “I am happy for “ “I am sad when” “I am scared about” “I want”. The hardest side for the four year olds to answer is the “I am sorry for” side of the cube. It’s funny how many perfect four year olds there are that insist they have never done anything wrong or have any need to ever apologize. It is a wise person who finds the healthy line in between.
ReplyDeleteIt's surprising that I picked up this trait. In fifth grade I was voted most outspoken and different know what it meant at the time. I know as a child, I never minced my words. You ask me a question then I will answer it. It was never about being honest or lying to make someone else feel good. When I became a teacher/ program coordinator, I would remind my staff not to say I'm sorry if you didn't need to. I felt parents saw that as a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence. If and when I said to say something in that area, it would be my apologies for... I wanted to hold myself accountable and explain because I needed to.
ReplyDeleteThis past week, I did say "I'm sorry." I realized that when I'm in a group of people that I assume is calm and not as assertive, I tend to hide my alpha like voice and become semi-timid, until I feel more comfortable to open up. I don't want to be judged in a negative way (first impression). People tend to say I look mean or rude, so I guess my subconscious kicks in and I become the sorry sister.
I know I'm honest/frank but also considerate and it takes awhile for me to remember that.
As a teacher, I would question my students choices because whenever they get caught they do say, I'm sorry. What are you sorry for? For getting caught, because you made a mistake or because you're held accountable and don't like it. If you're truly sorry then stop yourself prior to making the wrong choice. If not then deal with the consequences.
Parents get annoyed when they hear children at home arguing and one does not accept the others apology. I asked well , why should they. When you as the parent choose to support the one apologizing, then you show the other that you don't respect his/her choice to refuse the acceptance.
Children have their own version of peer/sibling expectations and they want the other to be held accountable. Yes it will hurt your feelings and yes he/she was honest but oh well.
I'm sorry, I can no longer be sorry and support in taken my control. Matter fact, I'm sorry to myself for giving away what made me who I am. A small percentage does add up. So, no more. Habits are easy to make and hard to break but in time I will overcome it.
Meagan AWP 5000
Unfortunately, I not only see this within myself but I can also see. As a kid, I always remember just being so sorry. Sorry for being too much of a tomboy. Sorry for being so loud! Sorry for not being the top student. Sorry for being me… I have struggled most of my childhood, teenage years, and early adults believing that I should be sorry for being me.
ReplyDeleteDo not get me wrong, I had a very joyful and privileged life growing up. But I always felt like the odd man out. I was always the ‘weird’ one who liked weird things. I constantly apologized to me cousin for being different and unusual. Until I turned 23 years old, there was always the constant sorry for taking up the space in the room. In a way, I still have that sorry feeling inside of me. I can’t internalize compliments from other people. I never truly feel ‘whole’ or good enough, without going the extra mile to prove why I should be taking up space that someone worth much more value should have..
Or even when thinking of my family in the case of being ‘sorry’. I can honestly say I never heard that word in my house come out anyone’s mouth! I heard enough sorriest for my whole family. I can say sorry for complete and not my own family.
The question of how I am turning this habit around is quite an interesting foot. How can I possibly break YEARS of trauma? I don’t know… maybe every time I say ‘sorry’ I will put $5 in a swear sorry jar! I would be either completely rich or completely broke.
Patricia D AWP 5000
Your blog post was extremely reflective for me because I am a compulsive apologizer. I have been for quite some time. I am aware of it, but I do not actively take the time to change my habit around.
ReplyDeleteI thought about why I am one and I have a list:
-I am apologizing for people from my past that haven't apologized to me as a way to emotionally cope
-I have been mentally abused as a child and as an adult in my romantic relationships
-I tend to take responsibility for actions that I am not even responsible of because I created a habit of self shame
-I overthink and overplease so other people can accept me or like me more as an individual
-Personal trauma that I have dealt with family, friends, jobs, dating or other
I think apologizing for absolutely nothing stems from people manipulating me into thinking I should be sorry for being right, speaking up or being authentic. When I was a child and I faced the first moment of apologizing for being ME, it took me a long time to retrack and recondition my brain. It is still a strong habit of mine and I am not completely conscious of it unless someone else points it out to me.
I feel as though the habit developed strongly when I was in my first relationship and the person I was with was a narcissist. He rarely took responsibility and made me feel as though everything that he did that hurt me ultimately was because of me.
It was my first relationship, I was 17 when I met him and I was with him for about 5 years. I was naïve, never had a boyfriend before or even a first kiss. We met at my first job and I thought it was love at first sight. Well, it was temporarily until I broke the spell he put me under. He would say that the reason he would constantly cheat on me or lie to me was because I had anxiety and insecurities which made him continue to do these actions that consequently broke me emotionally; especially since we agreed to be loyal and in a committed relationship. These mind games and manipulation orchestrated by him made me feel as though it was indeed my fault. I would end up apologizing for him cheating on me. Then, eventually caught on to his ways and how he would try to persuade me into believing he will change by him charming me by temporarily showcasing to me how he can be the "best" he can be.
Basically, he wanted me to be under his control because he knew I was weak in the sense that I unconditionally loved him. Then, when I gradually started to be more assertive and didn't want to put myself under the constant abuse. He randomly proposed to me in desperation.
There's much more to the story, but I said flat out, "No."
That's when I started to gain a part of me back. This happened from 2012 to 2017. From that point on, I've been recovering mentally and trying to stay away from men who of the same character as my ex was.
I forgave my ex and every other person in my life that mistook my heart for weakness and for their own pleasure.
I understand that my habit of compulsively apologizing is tied into my experiences growing up and I believe as I heal the habit will fade.
Thank you Dr. Rich for your wisdom.
“I’m sorry” comes naturally to me and I HATE it. I hate that I say “I’m sorry” so much when I don’t need to be saying it at all. My husband yells at me all the time for saying “sorry” when it’s usually the other person's fault. I guess I’ve always struggled with this insuercity for over a decade and it needs to change NOW!
ReplyDeleteAfter the last class, I’ve held my tongue on numerous occustionals when I knew I was going to say “I’m sorry”. I held my ground and I didn’t say it. Obviously, I’ve said sorry if it was highly necessary, but when I would be in someone’s way or accidently bumped into I did not say the phrase that should NEVER be said.
I absolutely loved reading this piece because I was able to relate it back so much to myself. I am the compulsive apologizer I know. Growing up, I never wanted to come across as rude. If I felt the need to add something to a discussion in class, I would often apologize before adding my perspective, to not come across as rude or to cut off anyone else’s idea. I apologize as a way of comforting myself and as a way of making other people feel better. If I don’t apologize, I feel as though I offended a lot of people or come across as rude.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with the statement saying it makes you look unsure of yourself and that you give others your power. This roots from a lack of confidence in one’s self. I have insecurities and don’t want to make a statement that may come across as pointless to other people. I feel as though people’s judgement of others really has an effect on some people, such as myself, because it makes me question whether or not what I’m saying is important. I do realize that there are certain scenarios where I shouldn’t apologize but end up apologizing anyway, due to it being a habit now. It’s alright to apologize when needed, such as if you knock someone’s coffee over. However, excessive apology is not needed because everyone has their own voice. Everyone is in charge of their own power and should have a voice to speak up about it, without apologizing.
By: Caroline Brett
I do believe that you can be overly apologetic about your behavior towards other people, especially when you in a conversation with other people and you don't be seen as rude by interjecting when someone else is still speaking when you feel like you can add to the conversation at that moment. i have an problem interrupting people in mid conversation because i feel i can add something at that moment, and i apologize to the person but i also think your advice about not feeling like you have to apology for every transgression you make, and that you should try and keep an balance between being assertive at moment and passive at others, and it can be hard deciding how you should react at that given moment.
ReplyDelete“I’m sorry”... I only say this if I genuinely mean it. I have never overused or misused that word. Words mean a lot to me I know people always say, “actions speak louder than words” but it is something about the way words sound in my ears that really makes me favor them. I try and be careful with my words when I speak because I think they can have such a powerful effect on someone's life. I feel when someone apologizes too much either they are insecure or they are not genuine. That is not far to say that you never know what is going through someone's head when they speak.
ReplyDelete"I'm sorry" has become an automatic reaction, almost like someone saying "bless you" when a colleague sneezes. It's a knee-jerk reaction, a preapologize to deter from ruffling any feathers or hurting anyone's feelings. But why do we do it? The compulsion to extraneously apologize may be a response to anxiety. When we are not one hundred percent confident in our opinion, we tend to sugar coat it, and adding an "I'm sorry but..." to its preface is the cherry on to of a hyper-palatable opinion cake. There are also the times where we exert our opinion but feel the need to apologize for it before it is ever stated. This comes from our underlying belief that by expressing our opinion, we are in turn undermining the opinion of others. However, when we are constantly apologizing for what we wish to say as if our words are a mistake, we begin to shut down our own ideas before they ever leave our mouths.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think of myself as a compulsive apologizer. I do apologize for little things, like if i see someone walking down a narrow pathway and am obstructing there walking. I may step aside, and lightly say “sorry ‘bout that”. Or when I’m walking inside a building, and notice at the last minute that someone is walking in after, I quickly grab for the door and say “sorry” for not holding it open for them initially. I will, however, NOT apologize if the discrepancy is caused by them. For example, freshman year of highschool, the school thought it was a BRILLIANT idea to place my older brother (who had been held back a year) in my English class. Not only was he placed in the same class, he was sat DIRECTLY behind me. You could imagine the things that occured. At the time, the school implemented a HIB policy to protect kids from Harassment, Intimidation, and Bullying. One day, my brother thought i'd be a great idea to just WRITE ON MY NECK, IN SHARPIE. Some foul words were exchanged and we got sent to the principal's office. We were BOTH suspended, and were required to write APOLOGY LETTERS to one another. Are you kidding? I WASN’T sorry for sticking up for myself, and am still not sorry after revisiting this memory. What I was sorry for was their choice for putting us in the same class, and their choice to seat us not even 2 feet from one another. Nevertheless, not only did I have to apologize for something I wasn't sorry for, I had to do it in writing. A way I can break the miniscule habit that I have of apologizing, is to determine what harm I’m doing/causing to someone else. If none, simply avoid the words all together.
ReplyDeleteChristian Paiz
AWP Spring2020