All
right, then, we’ve committed ourselves to writing, have the books and pens, and
organized our time to make it happen. So
why do we fizzle out? Using the Pyramid
of Needs (inserted below for your reference), we can better understand how to
maintain a satisfying relationship with our journals. Naturally, we can enter
the writing process at any level—either consciously or unconsciously—and freely
bounce around in the Pyramid. At any
point, naming where I am helps me to keep awake and vital in my writing.
In this post, we will consider the
Survival stage, governed by Anger and Fear—the one that devolves into venting
and obsession. Yes, too often, we only write about what makes us angry—the B
& M mode—Bitch and Moan; Vent and Fume; Bring out the Guns; Rant and
Rampage; Script and Argue. After all, we
need to rehash what threatens, flare our noses and swell our chests for the attack.
Or we write from Fear—the Oh-Nos; Nightmares; What-Ifs;
Run-Away; Hide-at-All-Costs; No-End-in-Sight;
12-Alarm mode. We become vigilant. We
project all sorts of monsters. Fear can lead back to Anger. Anger can lead to Fear.
Writing from Anger and Fear easily fills up the
page. After all, on some level, our
survival is at stake. As, for example,
my response to a recent rear-ending I sustained on a highway, because the perp
was on his phone.
I polarized—him against me. I blamed—he, he, he. I
personalized—Why did he do that to me? I got nasty—pimply-faced
m…… asshole, as if that text would have gotten him a date. I lost
control. I wrote of my night terrors, waking up with the feeling that I
was in dire danger. I obsessed about my
fears that I would never again be able walk, dance, do yoga again. Writing from
only the Survival level is a diatribe, a one-way rant, a grand-standing, a
monolog. It is shaking with Anger,
trembling from Fear. It is a descent into hell.
The danger is getting stuck at this lowest rung of the writing process.
Complaining and amplifying fears breeds self-pity. If I spent days and
weeks and months ranting about other driver, and obsessing about my recovery, I
would be surrendering my power to someone I don’t know, who has his own
problems, and is not likely to be in a relationship with me. Not only
would he have invaded my physical space—I would have invited him to take up
residence in my soul. And I would be compromising my healing.
The journal is an ideal recipient of
these gripes and terrors, for the page receives blows with equanimity. It doesn’t argue. It listens, like a skillful therapist.
Writing for Survival is for letting go—letting go and then letting it go—finding
a way to move up the Pyramid. And it’s good to be your own advocate.
Search through your journals for examples of writing
for survival. How much of your
journaling is dominated by expressions of Anger and Fear? If you feel
comfortable, share some of these entries in your reply.
On the other hand, do you bury Anger and Fear? Do you forgive too easily? Do you need a good
rant? Do you need a full-out self-pity
session? Commit yourself to writing an entry at the Survival level. Share what you wrote, if you feel comfortable
doing so. Tell us your experience with writing the entry.
Let it go and let it go.
© Susanna Rich, 2020
Here's a sample:
ReplyDeleteWhen you speak,
I want to hit you.
Swollen lips,
That only speaks of bullshit.
Gimme’ five reasons
why
I shouldn’t
I don't know how I feel about the concept of 'forgive and forget'. I get annoyed when people try to tell me to forgive someone. Even if I know it will help me heal, at least allow me to go through the emotions. Please, don't convince me it's a better choice. That's like telling me to calm down. Don't do it.
I think a self-pity party is healthy, but it shouldn’t last a long time. Give yourself a time limit. I believe the time you take to convince yourself that you're fine, the self pity becomes stronger and lasts longer.
Anger and fear are two different extreme emotions but very dangerous when combined. No one should ever bury either one but it happens. If a situation is beyond traumatizing, your mind has a way of blacking it out. Personally, I have experience with both emotions and not realizing they were blocked, until the feeling began creeping in. On the other hand, some people have a severe reaction (volcano like). It has to come out. If I’m very angry then I don’t want to talk. I’m ready to fight. The temper within me is boiling and trying to escape. Then fear sinks in because I may not be able to control myself.
Forgiving, forgetting, self-pity, anger and fear, all deserve a decent rant. For me, I don’t stay upset for long. If my family allows me to get my shit off my chest, then I'll be fine in 20-30 minutes tops. To them, it’s not like me to behave that way. Bullshit, of course.
As far as , committing to creating a writing piece from these feelings is a challenge. It takes a unique talent to put it all into words that make sense, without self-correcting. The true emotion is raw and honest. Sometimes, we tend (especially me) tend to correct my written word to make people understand, when it isn’t necessary. In a way, I’m trying to survive through my emotional rant.
Meagan AWP 5000
It is true that it is the lowest rung of the writing process. In a personal level I write whenever I get upset. When I’m in my lowest point I sit with my notebook and pen and cry my eyeballs out as I’m writing what I’m ranting about. But after reading this blog, I shouldn’t be just writing when I’m angry but also when I’m happy confused, and accomplishments. The part of letting go is easier said then done. For me it is I need time.
ReplyDeleteFor example, my father, took me 20 years to forgive him for not being a father present in my life. I would write mostly everyday after school about how much I hated my father (sperm donor used to call him) Or how jealous I was for my classmates that had their fathers around. Seeing my classmates getting picked up by their fathers while I had to wait for public transportation or walk home to my vieja (grandmother) not even my mother at the time. I would eat whatever my grandmother cooked and then to my journal and rant about my life without my parents mostly my father! My grandmother had told me before getting sick and passed away, to forgive my father. Not to keep that hatred buried in my heart it’s not healthy. That day I vented to her about everything I wrote on my journal since I was in 4th grade until the second year of college. She helped me forgive and we burned the notebook. Will never get that day! Now I still writing when I want to rant, but it is also a good practice to write my success too!
AWP 4000
Dr. Rich,
ReplyDeleteI was scrolling through each blog post for the perfect one to address and I really liked this one. It caught my attention because it was in the journaling section and sometimes I journal. What stood out was the word “survival” so now I’m thinking how survival and journaling go together. I absolutely can relate to journaling because I’m angry and/or fearful. I think that is actually the only time I pick up my journal. I don’t know if it is a defense mechanism or just because I don’t want to scream out loud. Sometimes when I’m writing I do think of how I can not allow a situation or personal invasion into my personal space and a journal is a very personal space. I also try to leave the frustration or anger on the paper when I am done writing. Like you said, the danger is getting stuck at that low point. I know a few of my friends who journal for fun and not only because they are angry. In my case I can definitely see it being an act of survival because if I was not allowed to write down how I felt, I do not know what would happen to me mentally. After reading this blog, it made me want to start writing in my journal just for the heck of it, when I’m happy or excited, anything more than my usual anger or frustration.
-Janaya